Wide Left, Wide Right, Splittin the Uprights.

As mentioned in posts below, my work bathroom has 3 urinals. Hey, the magic number! Anywho, I have a few little rules and things to look out for regarding those urinals.
Wide Left, Wide Right, Splittin the Uprights.
Depending on the combination of other fellas already "casting their votes" at the urinals when I walk in the bathroom, I either will or will not take the following steps.
-One guy at either the far right or far left, I will go go to the far opposite side of the guy, "Wide Left or Wide Right" and step up and do the dew...or is that undo the dew? When I have a choice, this is pretty much the only time I step up to the urinals when other people are already there.
-I NEVER Split the Uprights and step between people on the left and right. I try to find a stall. The only problem here is that I am far more cavalier about stepping out of a stall after a piss than after a bombing mission. But the folks that might be at the sink or walking in have no idea and that can lead to being busted as a Shiter when no Shite had even been attempted. Some guys will walk out proud as a peacock after wrecking the bathroom, but I like to walk softly, but carry (and drop off) a big stick.
-I also rarely will step to the left or right when someone is riding solo in the middle. There is some consideration and weary acceptance of stepping up with a guy in the middle and another on the left or right of him. At that point, I give into mob rules and complete the power trio.
-Outside of sporting events and fairs, I NEVER queue up and wait for an open urinal, EVER!

Sweeping & Non-Sweeping Generalizations

So we got Bright Eyes and Simon Joyner playing at Sokol here in Omaha tonight. I've noticed that the more trendy the crowd, the more trash gets left behind on the street(s) out front and surrounding Sokol. Post Yo La Tengo or Dimebag Darrell Tribute was clean as a whistle, post Good Charlotte or Hinder was a huge mess.
Will you shed a tear for litter and set your emo minions into action, Conor? Or can I trust that they are already anti-litter?
Damn, I'm getting old for this to be my focus concerning a big show at Sokol. But in my hood I like to Think Locally, Act Locally...if only all my neighbors shared that feeling. Some of them must listen to top 40.

Every story has a "Where."

When at work, I try to use the restroom as little as I have to. It's like an away game in sports, I'm just not as comfy without my home field advantage. We will be visiting this theme quite often, but today I want to focus on my Cribs-esque workplace "walk-in" water closets...where the magic happens.
I work in an old mall that is mainly empty save for a few businesses and offices. For the most part, it is about as lively as the mall in Dawn of The Dead before the zombies got past the locked doors. The company I work for takes up an entire old JC Pennys store on one of the ends of the mall. My 2 main rest rooms of choice are located inside the walls of my employer and the other is a mall rest room that is very close to our mall entrance door. Both are about the same distance from my desk. Depending on what level nature's call is, I motivate to the appropriate location to handle my bidness. My work rest room for the quick stop liquid rental return and the mall rest room for droppin a deuce on the down low.
Now if I find myself in a time crunch or in the wrong place at the right time, all bets are off and I do what I gotta do.
Pros and Cons
Work Rest Room Pros- Quick, Clean, Well maintained, Full Length Mirror, 3 urinals/4 stalls/4 sinks. Plenty of room
Work Rest Room Cons-Too many peeps, counters are always wet, janitors clean it around Mid Day.
Mall Rest Room Pros- Privacy, Out of the way, Occasional Christian Chick Tracks make for awesome reading material, Great reverberation for singing, and no wait seating. 2stalls/2 urinals/2 sinks.
Mall Rest Room Cons- Not well maintained, has the humid musty smell, Weird mall walker people. Petty much a 1970s bathroom still struggling to make it in the year 2006.

So that's the set up for the work shituation and where most of these stories will take part later down the line.

How a Transformer proved to me today what I already knew... Nobody can touch Ghostface

So my man Tyson brought up how he was able to watch some old Transformers episodes on Youtube last night. We dropped some character names and here is how my path of breaking down an old RZA lyric brought on this post.

-Tyson brings up the Transformers movie-

-I say I think that Omega Supreme was introduced in that movie-

-He brings up another giant sized character named Unicron-

-This instantly reminds me of the RZA lyric that I never knew the reference for from the track "Impossible."

"A space night like Rom, consume planets like Unicron/Blasting photon bombs from the arm like Galvatron"

-Which reminded me of Ghost's lyrics in that same song. Fucking beautifully sad story that he seems to be almost weeping through. I still get goosebumps hearing it.

Call an ambulance, Jamie been shot, word to Kemit

Don't go Son, nigga you my motherfuckin heart

Stay still Son, don't move, just think about Keeba

She'll be three in January, your young God needs you

The ambulance is taking too long

Everybody get the fuck back, excuse me bitch, gimme your jack

One, seven one eight, nine one one, low battery, damn

Blood comin out his mouth, he bleedin badly

Nahhh Jamie, don't start that shit

Keep your head up, if you escape hell we gettin fucked up

When we was eight, we went to Bat Day to see the Yanks

In Sixty-Nine, his father and mines, they robbed banks

He pointed to the charm on his neck

With his last bit of energy left, told me rock it with respect

I opened it, seen the God holdin his kids

Photogenic, tears just burst out my wig

Plus he dropped one, oh shit, here come his Old Earth

With no shoes on, screamin holdin her breasts with a gown on

She fell and then lightly touched his jaw, kissed him

Rubbed his hair, turned around the ambulance was there

Plus the blue coats, Officer Lough, took it as a joke

Weeks ago he strip-searched the God and gave him back his coke

Bitches yellin, Beenie Man swung on Helen

In the back of a cop car, dirty tarts are tellin

But suddenly a chill came through it was weird

Felt like my man, was cast out my heaven now we share

Laid on the stretcher, blood on his Wally's like ketchup

Deep like the full assassination with a sketch of it

It can't be, from Yohoo to Lee's

Second grade humped the teachers, about to leave

Finally this closed chapter, comes to an end

He was announced, pronounced dead, y'all, at twelve ten

The 1st Rule of Shite Club is ALWAYS to talk about Shite Club!

About 4 years ago I came across an email with some great bathroom humor...literally. It gives satirizes and gives pet names to scenarios you may come across in the water closet at work. I intend to continue that tradition here, along with some new ones like the home and away games outside of the office and just plain ol stuff going on in my life and times. Real High Brow.

Here is the email that started it all.

Office Poop survival guide
all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

So let the games begin.